I've written three Christmas Gift Guides for three different gun-and-cop magazines in the past two weeks, and it just hit me that ain't nobody, nobody, ever inquired once what I might want for Christmas! What's wrong with this picture, pals? Now admittedly, that might be partially ascribed to the fact that it's mid-sweltering-summer as I write this for Pete's sake. but if I can whup up some festiveChristmassy-cheer and fat-man-in-a-fur-suit gift-giving enthusiasm while sweatin' out juices like a six-pound London Broil in a crock-pot cooker, then why can't somebody else?
1 package cake mix (yellow or white) 1 large package gelatin or 2 small packages, any flavor 1 container Cool Whip Prepare cake mix as directed. While cooling, poke holes in cake with fork. Mix gelatin as directed. Slowly pour gelatin over top of baked, cooled cake. Chill. Before serving, spread Cool Whip over top. Refrigerate leftovers.Also in that box is my gunwriter-sample of the failed prototype Speed-Slick Competition Rig from Air-Launch Holsters. Inc. This forward-canted hip-hanger employed an infrared beam to detect drawing-hand movement, and a C[O.sub.2]-powered pneumatic pump. It was supposed to activate when you began your drawing stroke, an' boost the pistol up into your waiting mitt. The timing, however, needed work. and the air-powered Roscoe-lifter was, shall we say, a bit "exuberant." If I wiggled my fingers or shrugged my right shoulder, it Munched my 1911 like a non-ballistic missile, to land about 15 yards downrange.And I won't toss hints at my editors. His Imperial Editoriality Roy Huntington always sends me a gift. but ... one year it was a case of two dozen dry-iced "gourmet treats"--genuine Coney Island Rat-On-A-Stick! Another time, he sent me a nicely framed photo of Himself and Suzie enjoying their Christmas vacation on a sparkly beach in Aruba. The scribble read. "Connor: Had a wonderful time--YOU WEREN'T THERE! HaHaHaHa!!!"I want G-Bay!--a worldwide clearing house for gun-junk! My first ad would be for a "Big Box Fulla Useless GunLeather." One piece is a vintage SuperSafetySaddleScabbard from the now-defunct Wild Hoss Leather Co. Using a conglomo-combination of Velcro. key-locks, compression straps, Chinese-puzzle-buckles and industrial magnets, it was designed to keep your saddle-gun securely ensconced in your scabbard no matter how high, hard, and hairy your broomtailed trail-nag bucked."I know what you want. cave man." she breathes, and somehow I forget the subject--sometimes my middle name, too.I checked with my wife. the Memsaab Helena. She just smiles, bats those big blues, and gives me a little hip-bump while passin' me in the hall."The community really takes over," Bret said. "People who have been served in previous years have come back to be hostesses and return the favor."It "flung" pretty good groups, I gotta say: With practice, I could get eight outta 10 throws" into a 30-gallon garbage can at 40'. The same company made an internal assembly for 1911s called the "MagAirAssist." Hit the mag release, and it would shoot your empty mag out so hard it would either fracture foot-bones or spike the mag 2" into the ground.On Saturday, 600 people were invited from local groups and centers, and there were more than 600 volunteers. Participation was by invitation only. (There have been problems in the past with people taking advantage of the community's generosity.)But when you're cooking for 600, you need a few crockpots.I'm continually amazed at the kinda junk that sells for BigBucks on e-Bay, dudes. My son auctioned off a rusty Saab V-3 hub cap for $35, and the Memsaab made a killing on sales of a buncha old. decapitated Barbie dolls that somehow sent our daughter. Little Red. into a frenzy of mutilation when she was Little-Teensy-Red.(Editor's Note: We're cutting Connor off right here, before he irreparably insults muscular, older women who wear canvas aprons with large pockets and don't mind packing guns and picking up empty brass. I don't need the grief And I know what I'm giving him for Christmas, and this year it won't be autographed--Jeff John) P.S. Say something gushy and Christmassy (before he cries anymore crocodile tears) to Connor at TheOddAngryShot@yahoo.comSo Frodsham and her friend brought homeless and needy Utahns to the Frodshams' home on Christmas Eve to give them their own holiday celebration. With the help of donations from neighbors, the Frodshams threw a Christmas party for 67 needy people.It's the first time the school's PTO has done a contest in conjunction with the chili feed, but I'm betting there will be lots of entrants. Categories are breads/muffins, cakes, cookies/ brownies, pies and Kids in the Kitchen.
(Editor's Note: We're cutting Connor off right here, before he irreparably insults muscular, older women who wear canvas aprons with large pockets and don't mind packing guns and picking up empty brass. I don't need the grief And I know what I'm giving him for Christmas, and this year it won't be autographed--Jeff John) P.S. Say something gushy and Christmassy (before he cries anymore crocodile tears) to Connor at TheOddAngryShot@yahoo.com
Author: John Connor
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